an unexpected present
Goebbels
is rubbing the back of his hand against his mouth, pensive, over
and over; behind his knuckles there’s a long, down-turned scowl and in
fact his entire face aches with the intensity with which he’s glaring
at the small (oh but it’s not so small really, is it, how could it
be?) wooden box on the table and eventually he slaps his hands down
on either side and pushes himself up from his seat and makes a
limping circuit of the room, checks the door is locked for the third
time that hour and returns back to his desk and touches the brass clasp
on the box, then the brass face of the rotary phone besides it, the
first number to get through toGöring, already half composing the
stunning invective he could unleash upon him, each perfectly pointed
barb and the sharp satisfaction that would shatter in an instant as
soon as the static silence was broken again by Göring’s indulgent
chuckle and what would come after, such a temper, little sparrow,
they’ve had enough ‘interesting conversations’ over the months
for him to know how he’d be left debrided of all his indignation, his
tongue disarmed, red faced and aching.He
unlatches the box for the third time (boxes, locks, cigarettes chain smoked, all done in sets of threes), flips open the top and touches the…object inside:
how, he wonders, as ifGöring
doesn’t have an unnatural knack
for getting his hands on anything he desires (a slight shiver at
that, phantom pains, the recollection of finger-points of pressure on
his skin) and now this bespoke…marital aid (he shouldn’t have shied
away from a more vulgar term, the euphemism makes him blush harder) a
beautifully carved, deeply burnished wooden replica of Göring’s
erect cock, nestled in a bed of green velvet – he picks it up,
hefts the weight of it in his hand, smooth, heavy as a bludgeon,
closes his fingers around it in a fist and strokes from the base to
the tip and then glances up guiltily, eyes darting around the room as
though he’s afraid that someone might be watching.On
the floor and stripped from the waist down (another rattle of the
door handle just in case) he’s got two oiled fingers slowly working
inside of himself, eyes closed and the thought ofGöring’s
conversational tone when he had asked him earlier that week how often
in the day does he think about being put on his belly, spreading his
legs for him, and he’s on his stomach now, cheek rubbing against the
carpet as he tries to find the right angle to push this wooden cock
inside him, panting, frustrated, crawling up onto his hands and
knees, so much pressure, the oil makes his hands slip on the wood and it
won’t fit in and he gives a little sob because he needs it, wants it,
must have it filling him all the way up inside but all there is, is
this bruising pain as he pushes and pushes and nothing gives way and
his fingers slip again and he stops, sweating, cursing, tugs sharply at his
own hair and then grabs the things and sits down on it with all his
weight where with a blinding pulse of pain that completely takes his
breath away, he’s left wide eyed and slack mouthed and and clenching
around the unforgiving, thick shaft of wood stretching him open.
leaning on his shoulder
You’ve been carrying heavy ammunition cases for miles now in total darkness except for the occasional flicker of enemies in the distance, you’re exhausted, physically weak, mentally frail but you hold on, you do your job, you need to follow your leader, it’s the only way to survive and even if you don’t survive, Peiper needs you and you follow.
Finally a break – you put the heavy weight down, look over to Peiper and see him talking to his adjutant, and when coincidentally your eyes meet, in a moment like from a dream, you see that he’s making a motion, calling someone closer, but there is no one there but you and he nods at you again, come here, and you follow, come trotting to his side, confused and more confused when he sits down and invites you to sit next to him like friends.
He gives you a pat on the back, a sip of whiskey and his shoulder to lean on and you thankfully accept all of them, feeling very warm from the alcohol or maybe it is the feeling of your head on his shoulder, his body so comfortingly close, and his breath on your forehead hot against the freezing cold of the night and his hand on the back of your neck, holding you there as he tells you how proud he is of you all and you specifically, but as you nod off you tangle with stray thoughts and you wonder if he’s really rewarding you or this is just another form of service to him, but you will do it gladly, very gladly.
Futilely nursing him back to health
At first Jochen believes that he can save him, that somehow he can mend the rift where the shrapnel severed synapses and left a slowly growing abyss, insidiously laying waste to the humanity of Heinz, no matter how hard they tried to ignore the nagging trauma and mottled scar: blurred days become marked with quiet reminders to eat, a cautious prodding to take just a few more bites, that fade into restless nights spent together, Jochen sleeplessly holding him like a mother cradles a feverish child, his thumb absentmindedly tracing the fading jagged line traversing the right side of his head, keeping vigil while a sinking dread settles into his stomach that neither cigarettes nor Pervitin can relieve.
The dread seeps from his stomach and anchors itself in the base of his spine, climbing upwards as he watches the abyss grow, consuming focus and inflicting pain and more convalescent leaves, and when Heinz returns to him again he seems frailer under the aura of his diehard fighting spirit that energizes his men and the dread grows, spreading up his spine to his own brain matter, frayed from exhaustion and battle worn decay; in the early morning hours as they mingle among their men, Jochen watches as he cracks open an egg, the first food he’s touched in days, and runs his thumb across the serrated edge of the broken shell with vacant eyes unblinking, he suddenly crushes the shell between his fingers and Jochen resists the urge to vomit.
He finds himself bent over, vomiting stale coffee and foamy acid onto the Hungarian soil, after the gunshot (or was it a bomb?), rings out near the camouflaged farmhouse; with every wave of nausea Jochen feels the dread releasing its grip on him like a knife slicing through marionette strings, his legs suddenly buckling under him and stomach heaving, leaving him hands and knees on the soiled ground with the bitter taste of sick and the thought that he didn’t do enough lingering in his raw throat.